The block I have with blogging

I read blogs and read blogs and read blogs - but I never write for mine. Why is that?

New resolution - blog at least weekly.

How did it get to be August?

Okay - it's obvious I am so not a blogger.

checking in on my previous post about my progress - interesting to see that my general focus is the same.

I have finished 28 books so far this year. 22 to go.

Our garden has been amazing - I don't know when I have eaten so many zucchini and loved them so much!

Waiting for puppy girl to join us in September.

Lizzy starts at the lab school in a couple of weeks and Darien is in First Grade! yikes.

D started piano, still doesn't want to go back to dance class. She played tee ball and went to VBS this summer - and after tee ball was over did a week at the Art Center in a drawing and painting class.

Daniel is doing piano with Darien - which is great.

Lizzy starts dance class (first time!) next month.

My challenge to myself has been to create two completely new meals per week, rather than cooking the same things over and over - doing okay on that. Not perfect, not totally failing.

this weekend is our 4 day trip to the lake with my parents.

We survived the 4 days in Omaha with his family 2 wks ago - the zoo was great, the campgrounds were really nice and the kids loved the fireside time.

most common evening for us - dinner, followed by time in the pool and on trampoline - then reading and bed. Reading the first Harry Potter this month. Girls are old enough now - the next book will wait until next year. I think we'll do Little House on the Prairie after HP. Little House in the Big Woods was a hit this spring.

I am not putting up corn this year. still have some from last year. I had hoped to can tomato sauce, salsa and tomatoes, but it looks like we may not have enough of a crop to worrry about - we have hundreds (really!) of green tomatoes and anything that gets a bit red is immediately infested with some strange bug. Dan took a sample to work, but no word from the plant path fellas.

The peas were a flop. Green beans did well for a long while. Lettuces were delish and the onions and carrots are lovely. Acorn squash coming on now - the pumpkins and melons are progressing, but not there yet.

next year, we'll expand the garden and put the vining plants on the creekside edge and just let them go. I also will plant my lettuces in a phases.

peppers also failed - not enough heat, I think.

the raised beds were the bomb. Everyone thought we were growing all potatoes! ha!

Can't wait for spring and the sheep.

Status check on 10 things I am working on right now -

1. 50 book challenge - I am 10 books into it. 40 to go.
2. Weight - down about 8 lbs (doing the Paul MacKenna hypnosis thingy)
3. Household management - all laundry is staying caught up, closets are organized and menus are fully planned two weeks out. All shopping done weekly by my super duper hero husband.
4. Wardrobe - 6 new pair shoes, 2 new pants, small cross-body bag for essentials
5. Spiritual - we are working on a new bible study with the couples at church and I am only 1 wk behind on my "Bible in a Year"
6. Work - I am in a really good place now, feeling like I have a good line on everything I have outstanding and like progress is being made on all fronts. Had a great review.
7. Girls - we're eating as a family every night (that's not new) and still doing our great bedtime cuddle/snuggle routine. We are doing okay (maybe 80%) on the no-TV during the week thing. Darien and I are doing her girl scout activities together. We will do riding lessons together this summer. Lizzy and I don't have a joint activity yet, but I am hoping we'll find one by spring time- she has been a shopping buddy for me pretty frequently. She has her own sense of fashion - I find her re-styling herself a couple of times a day.
8. Marriage - Daniel and I are more connected than we've ever been and I think our growing church involvements are really helping. He's been great about getting stuff done around the house - it's been a good feeling starting to see how things will really be around here. Example: he made the girls a great play area in the basement - complete with salvaged carpets and vinyl floor remnants (for their play kitchen, of course) and he helped me relocated 90% of the toys in the house to that play area so now the rest of the house stays much more tidy.
9. Meaningful friendships - Jan and I are in pretty close regular contact. Sonya has been a great find in a friend. The last two years, I can easily see the positive impact her friendship has had on me.
10. Learning/Personal Growth - personal challenge to myself this year to get a designation done - not doing so well on that so far, been carrying the first class books around for 2 wks.

Normal eating

I am hungry. My stomach is cramping slightly and I feel hollow and uncomfortable. I am about to go fix my "at work breakfast"

I am so tired of dieting that this non-diet or normal eating thing is really appealing right now, and I don't know if I could be any more rock-bottom emotionally without being in full blown depression.

So, here goes...

Emotional Eating

Okay, so my good pal Beth recently wrote about Secret Eating on her blog and I have been thinking about it in my own life.

Thinking:
1. How much of my eating is really ever about nourishing myself with macro and micronutrients?
2. How much of my eating would I or do I actively hide or mask or offer excuses for?
3. What would I do or what would happen if I didn't eat? (not didn't eat ever, but if I did something APPROPRIATE with my emotions rather than shutting them up with a cookie)
4. Why does something so out of control make me feel like I am somehow IN control?

So, I am now reading Geneen Roth and trying to get myself to commit to a food/emotion journal.

Attitude

A while back I made an admission to a group of friends of mine - an admission that I am so very nasty, resentful, poisonous inside myself that I am ashamed of my thoughts. I have no sense of personal peace to give me distance on a situation and I am likely to (albeit largely internally) completely LOSE IT when any given thing happens. I do sometimes act out my frustration and I am often sighing, grunting or almost silently muttering curses. I manage to be sing-song bright w/ the girls and I mask maybe 75% of stuff w/ DH, but... I know I am a bitter, bitter girl these days.

And, I am also eating for comfort.

And I am hardly moving my body. Partly b/c our schedule is SO hectic and partly b/c it is so derned cold out lately (-17F Sat morning for example).

I started a Bible study on Attitude 2 wks ago and I do think it is helping a bit. The lessons are weekly, so I have done only 2, but they were big into reminding us that God knows how flawed we are and that he wants us to put trust in him and let go of all that stuff. Not rocket science, but not bad, either. Good to remember He knows me and loves me anyway.

The trick for me is to make the changes I need to bring peace in my life w/o concentrating on it so much that it feels like punishment.

This weekend, I had beautiful plans to spend 16 hrs at a crop - with my Toni-mom. I had arranged a sitter in advance for the baby and D was to spend the day at home w/ Daddy (who has yet to change a diaper for the baby girl, he feels uncomfortable tryign to meet her needs and won't watch her alone).

Anyway, I arranged the sitter several weeks ago - then sitter made plans to do something out of town this week, but after some back-and-forth it was decided they would be back either Fri night or early Sat. I would take baby girl w/ me to crop for first 2 hrs, then drive her to sitter for rest of day. WHen the plans started for going out of town, I realized that this person really didn't want to sit for me - but wouldn't say no.

Sat morning rolls around and I am running late, it is hectic - after a short cry, I pull self up and say "why are you stressing, sister? Who cares if you get to the crop at 8 or 9:30? Your spot is reserved, no worries - relax and enjoy yourself so you can enjoy your day." No lie: w/in 15 mins, phone rings. I give to DH b/c I see from caller ID that it is sitter and I know I don't want to hear whatever they have to say. DH talks for a while, then hangs up and says "we have a little problem"

Sitter is ill. Why they didn't call Friday night, I don't know. So, crop has started, I am at home. Car is 2/3 loaded w/ all my stuff and I am w/o sitter. And my backup is in the Holy Land (not South Bend, but actual Holy Land - she floats in Dead Sea today).

There's even more to the story, but I am dropping it in favor of protecting the ridiculous.

I call my Toni-mom and cry and she encourages me to bring baby girl for a while and just see how it goes. Baby girl has been to 3-4 other long crops and is really getting too old and too busy, but a couple hours is better than nothing, right? So, I load up and leave.

We stayed til 10 pm and it went fine. There were only a couple really fussy times and I still did 30 pp. There were 2 other babies in the crop rooms where our spots were, so we weren't even the only ones.

Making the best of it paid off - now I need to remember that lesson before I have to learn it again in harder circumstances.

The power of a personal "policy"

"I appreciate the invitation to join you in X, however I have a personal policy against engaging in social activities during the week"

Okay, so I don't really say it that way, but I have started to decline invitations to do things, based on the "we've decided we just really can't do things on a weeknight" excuse. It is so nice - who knew?

Many of you may be horrified. (actually there's only 1 person I know of who reads this, so - more accurately - Beth, you may be surprised...) We just can't do anything on a weeknight and have a non-insane night/morning. We're barely keeping it together as is. and the truth is that I was accepting invitations and then not showing - either having forgotten completely that I had made plans, having realized there was no way I could make it or caving into my spouse, who was telling me I was insane for committing to whatever it was.

I have been forced to take another look at what I am committing to - and it's not pretty. I bail on a lot of stuff and not b/c I dont' want to do it - but b/c I want to do it and then realize I can't balance it against the rest of the stuff on my plate. The guilt I feel for bailing is outweighing the satisfaction I felt at accepting the initial invitation. This is a successful outcome - I have failed miserably enough to realize I must change - hooray!

What other personal policies should I write?

Reminds me of the power of "rules" with my 3 yr old. I don't have to repeatedly say "no" if I can point back to one of our 10 or so understood rules... and I get less pushback from her. Works with her and now I see it works with me.

Think it might work with spouse?

50 books

Here's the update on my 50 books for 2006

AMLP
Gilead
You: the Owner's Manual
The One-Armed Cook
8 Minutes in the Morning
The Heart is a Lonely Hunter**
Naked Conversations**
The Rational Unified Process, An Introduction**
Project Management Case Studies**

**indicates I am not finished.

1. Roland Fryer 2. Insenstive remark 3. Something about being "Out There"

1. Beth - not surprised you had to look him up, but would expect ppl here on campus to know him and make a fuss - he's *the* speaker for the celebration of Dr. King's birthday, and the Daily basically said zilch. Oh, and they now have our lecture series available via podcast and I waited and checked daily for his lecture to appear - finally emailed the director yesterday and she said he declined to grant them permission to post it. Bummer. Yeah, he's a bit on the hot side - and so very interesting. Makes me wish I were a better economist so I could appreciate his research even more than I do.

2. Coworker described a group of ppl as "yard apes" - what the heck is that? Doesn't sound good and I am a bit afraid to look it up.

3. What is that I am so fearful of that I don't link my own blog or personal info to comments I post on sites I enjoy? Is it that my blog is "frivolous"? it is. If I am embarassed that it is frivolous, then there's an obvious solution -